| We are very pleased to have with us C. J. Golden | | | | remain vital and joyful (accepting the new). |
| who recently published a book that is a resource for | | | | Irene: Is it any different for men? |
| women dealing with changes in life. Welcome to | | | | CJ: I suspect not, although I'm certainly not an expert. |
| Reader Views. | | | | We're all human with the same fears and concerns. |
| Irene: Recently you wrote a great resource book for | | | | Men might struggle with different issues than we |
| women dealing with passages into another stage of | | | | women do. And they might show (or not show) their |
| their lives. Please give us a gist of your book. | | | | apprehension in different ways, but I bet they all have |
| CJ: Thank you for calling the book "a great resource | | | | some area of life or transition that presents a |
| for women". In essence, it is a guide to follow as we | | | | challenge |
| go through life's transitions and challenges. My narrator, | | | | Irene: What stage is the easiest for women to |
| Taogirl, is someone who inspires us to remember the | | | | transition into? And, why? |
| acceptance of the ancient Taoist philosophy. She also | | | | CJ: Wow. I'm not sure I have the answer for this one. |
| reminds us to couple that with a defiant attitude: one | | | | Each one of us transitions differently. I had an |
| that defies old-fashioned stereotypes, limitations and | | | | extremely tough time just knowing I was getting older. |
| self-defeating attitudes. | | | | Many women say that they have no problem with |
| Irene: What inspired you to write this book? | | | | that. Some have a problem accepting their new, older, |
| CJ: Quite honestly, I needed to write this book for | | | | physical attributes. Others don't care a bit about gray |
| myself. I had an extremely difficult time accepting my | | | | hair and wrinkles. One woman might have breezed |
| birthdays every year - recognizing that I was getting | | | | through empty nest syndrome; a divorce; career |
| older and not knowing how to "be" at each new age | | | | change, while another has a more difficult time dealing |
| and stage. I wanted to live a more active and vital life | | | | with one of more of these transitions. We're all made |
| than my mother did, wanted to be more like my | | | | up differently. One thing I know for sure, though, is that |
| daughter, yet didn't know how to go about doing so. Or | | | | it is possible to accept these challenges and continue |
| if it was even possible. I was totally caught up in our | | | | living life to the fullest whatever changes come our |
| youth-oriented society back then. | | | | way. |
| Irene: "The Tao of the Defiant Woman." Your title of | | | | Irene: For you personally, what was the hardest |
| the book is seems contradictory. On one hand, "Tao" | | | | transition so far? How did you find a way to become |
| refers to harmony in life and on the other hand | | | | peaceful about the transition? |
| "defiant" refers to a person with an attitude. Please | | | | CJ: I've had to deal with my divorce, the passing of my |
| give us an insight of how both can meet in the middle | | | | parents, my children growing up and becoming |
| and create the harmony of Tao. | | | | independent young adults, several minor illnesses, yet |
| CJ: Taoism accepts that we are all part of the | | | | the hardest transition I faced took place a short five |
| Universe and, as the Universe follows a natural path, | | | | years ago. I did not, no way, no how, want to become |
| so, too, do we. That being said, Taoism is not | | | | a grandmother. That, of course, meant that I was truly |
| complacent, it doesn't tell us to give up and give in | | | | getting older. No matter how hard I hid from my |
| when we face challenges. Taoism also teaches that a | | | | birthdays that little kid who was going to call me |
| healthy soul requires a healthy body to support it. Now | | | | grandma would spill the beans. Everyone would know I |
| we get to "defiant". The dictionary defines it as being | | | | was no longer twenty-five. (Of course, I looked like a |
| bold. The attitude (or not) comes in when we realize | | | | very elderly and haggard twenty-five-year-old as I |
| just what it is that we are being asked to defy. As I | | | | was really fifty-seven). One of the stories in the book |
| stated above, this defiance is fighting stereotypes and | | | | talks about Joanne who worked in a craft shop. She |
| negativity. No where in the book do I tell women to | | | | met an older women customer one day who was |
| defy getting older, or to defy a challenge in their lives. | | | | sporting a very cute baseball cap covered with hat |
| What I do recommend is defying anything or anyone - | | | | tacks and buttons. When asked about the hat, the |
| including one's self - that keep you from continuing | | | | women said that as long as she was a grandmother, |
| along the path of life joyfully and vibrantly. | | | | she was going to be the "eccentric" grandmother to |
| Irene: I so agree with you when you tell us to defy | | | | those kids. After all, "every child deserves an eccentric |
| stereotypes and rewrite the scripts. I often think back | | | | grandmother", she concluded. Joanne took that to |
| to when I was growing up and how, in my cultural | | | | heart, and, hearing the story, I did, too. Now I love being |
| community, the thought was that when a woman hit | | | | the "eccentric" grandmother to my three grandchildren. |
| menopause she was considered "old." When I look at | | | | What a joy they are. I learned that being a |
| pictures of my grandmother when she was 10 years | | | | grandmother didn't make me "old". It didn't keep me |
| younger than I am now, I see a very unhappy, old | | | | from still being vital and joyful. "Old" was only in my |
| woman. Do you believe stereotyping started within | | | | head and I didn't have to let it stay up there and hold |
| cultures? Or, how did it start? | | | | me back anymore. How much I would have missed if I |
| CJ: Irene, I'm not a sociologist so my thoughts are just | | | | hadn't learned that lesson! |
| that - my thoughts based solely on my own beliefs | | | | Irene: TV and movies often define a woman by their |
| and not based in scientific study. Now that I've said | | | | body shape. Most of us are not what is portrayed by |
| that I will answer your question: I've seen cultures other | | | | the media, we know it is superficial, yet, we desire the |
| than our own here in the States that admire the elderly | | | | bodies of a youthful figure. |
| for their wisdom and spirit. Even the Native American | | | | CJ: That's a shame, isn't it! And every time we allow |
| seems to revere the older members of their society. | | | | ourselves to go under the knife, to have liposuction, to |
| My friends in Europe had (notice the past tense) | | | | alter our bodies or faces medically, we are |
| recognized the beauty of the older woman and did not | | | | perpetuating that myth and "perfect youthful body" |
| debase the physical changes the passing of the years | | | | culture. I know I need to lose some weight - not |
| brought. Yet, I've recently received a letter from a | | | | because I don't like the way I look (its quite okay, thank |
| woman in The Netherlands who bought my book to | | | | you - somewhere between Sandra Bullock and |
| help her accept the advancing years. When I | | | | Queen Latifa and they both look spectacular just the |
| questioned why she felt the need to do so she said | | | | way they are). My desire for a drop in the numbers on |
| that we Americans are sending our youth-oriented | | | | my scale is based solely on maintaining the most |
| culture across the Ocean and they're buying right into | | | | desirable weight for optimum health. Perhaps if more |
| it. | | | | of us stop falling into the "be young and skinny to be |
| You mention your grandmother, however, as looking | | | | beautiful" trap, we can slowly change culture's |
| very old and very unhappy. Some of that generation | | | | perception of beauty. How great would that be?! |
| accepted their age with contentment. The part of my | | | | Irene: CJ, you are very encouraging to women that |
| philosophy that seemed to be missing was the | | | | face transition. The important thing is that we realize |
| defiance - the joy of remaining vital and active. Today | | | | that we are always transitioning - right from the |
| medical science has allowed our bodies to stay | | | | beginning of our birth. It just seems harder when we |
| "younger" longer. It's our attitudes that now need the | | | | become wiser. You book, "The Tao of the Defiant |
| "tune-up". | | | | Woman---A Guide to Life over 40" gives us |
| Irene: You have dealt with hundreds of women that | | | | permission to be who we are and accept our wisdom |
| transition into different stages of their life. Do find the | | | | we gathered along the way. Thank you so much for |
| 40 is the hardest transition, and why? | | | | taking the time to chat with us. Is there anything else |
| CJ: I must say that 40 was the hardest transition for | | | | that you would like our readers to know about your or |
| me. My children were grown, leaving the nest so I | | | | your book? |
| wasn't needed as their mother in the same way I had | | | | CJ: My hope is that not only the book, but the |
| grown used to. While I always worked outside of the | | | | philosophy as well, travel around the country helping |
| house, I still defined myself as my husband's wife and | | | | women go through these very difficult transitions of life. |
| my children's caretaker. That was changing and I | | | | We need to gain strength by being role models for |
| wasn't quite sure there was still life ahead of me - one | | | | each other and creating communities of caring. I call |
| that could focus on "me" more. For some women the | | | | such communities "Taogirl Gatherings" where we |
| hardest transition comes later. For a few, earlier. The | | | | gather in small groups for support; learning from each |
| decade birthdays (or even the last year before a new | | | | other and recognizing the strength we have as a |
| decade) always seem to be the most difficult. Our | | | | group of individuals. My website has been created to |
| transitions, however, don't always revolve around our | | | | help all Taogirls to come together and share. On it |
| ages. There are changes in our health, relationships, | | | | women will find a question and answer page, |
| families, business lives and the world around us. These | | | | information about my travels as I go around the |
| are all tough. | | | | country hosting workshops and speaking events. |
| Irene: Why do women have a hard time transitioning? | | | | There is a Taogirl Wisdom of the Week - a light, |
| CJ: It's always difficult to leave the old behind and | | | | uplifting quote - which you may sign up for and receive |
| accept the new. We knew what we had. No matter | | | | as an email every Sunday. The sequel to THE TAO |
| how difficult the situation might have been, it was | | | | OF THE DEFIANT WOMAN is in the planning stage |
| familiar. And if it was great - well, who wants to leave | | | | and will be written by those readers who are willing to |
| "great" behind? Being thrust into a new situation will | | | | share their experiences with me as they follow their |
| usually bring some trepidation. How will we feel? What | | | | own Tao and defiant path. Information about that is |
| will happen to us? What will life be like in this new | | | | also on the website. I sincerely hope women who are |
| situation? These are all very real concerns. Women, | | | | reading this will visit the website, I would also love to |
| especially have often put their lives on hold in order to | | | | hear from them personally; perhaps help them start |
| take care of their families. Often they don't understand | | | | their own Taogirl Gathering. My email address is, |
| just who they are or know what skills and strengths | | | | Irene, I thank you for allowing me this opportunity to |
| they really possess. That's where the combination of | | | | speak with you. It's been a pleasure and always |
| Tao and defiance comes in - accepting that which we | | | | exciting to be able to share my Tao and defiant, |
| must (the loss of the old) and doing all we can to | | | | Taogirl philosophy. |