| Have you ever experienced a slump? That's what I | | | | and your outcome has not been forthcoming. This |
| thought. The structure goes something like this: You | | | | makes you feel powerless and out of control. |
| experience a setback. It shakes you up a little. | | | | Our goal here is to get you empowered again. And if |
| As you're recovering, another setback hits. Now you | | | | you retreat for a little while -- a few weeks, a month |
| weren't doing anything differently from before, but now | | | | or two -- then you're probably not going to get that |
| you think you're seeing a trend. This affects your | | | | outcome either. |
| beliefs and attitudes, which actually affects your | | | | But the difference is that now, it's on YOUR terms. |
| performance, making more likely -- you guessed it -- | | | | You're doing it deliberately. So you ARE getting the |
| another setback. | | | | outcome you want, which is solitude. And, trickily |
| Now you've got what's sometimes called a 'vicious | | | | enough, you have gotten your power back. |
| cycle' -- bad stuff leading to more bad stuff. And | | | | Once you've gotten retrenched and re-centered in |
| before you know it, you're deep in some hole that you | | | | your power, you can venture forth again. Which brings |
| didn't know existed. | | | | us to... |
| That's the genesis of the slump. It's usually not entirely | | | | 4) Re-center. |
| your fault. For example, it happens in poker all the time | | | | Okay, so you deliberately took time off, getting a result |
| (and in finance, too, so I heard). | | | | you planned, which made you feel empowered again. |
| Everything we do in life is subject to the laws of | | | | Now amplify that feeling of empowerment by doing |
| probability. And simply because of the law of large | | | | things that you're good at and enjoy. Activities that |
| numbers, the probability of having one bad streak at | | | | make you GROW. |
| some point in your life is pretty high. | | | | So go pick up an old hobby. Or go do something you |
| Let me give you an example. Let's say 'heads' is good | | | | know you're really good at to give yourself the ego |
| luck and 'tails' is bad luck. And let's say 6 tails in a row | | | | boost -- "Yeah baby, I've still got it." Or go back to the |
| means very bad luck -- i.e. a slump. | | | | basics and re-read what got you started. |
| If you toss a coin 6 times, the probably of having 6 tails | | | | Whether it's learning languages, painting or playing the |
| in a row is pretty small -- one in 64, or just under 1.6%. | | | | guitar, you're demonstrating competence to yourself. |
| But if you toss a coin 100 times, that probability goes | | | | This boosts your self-esteem, re-centers you, gets the |
| up to over 90%. Toss it 1000 times, and it's nearly | | | | happy juices running, makes you feel awesome, and |
| certain to happen. In other words, all of us have a | | | | gets you back in the saddle again. |
| slump a-comin' at some point, baby. No big deal. | | | | 5) Raise your standards. |
| Which brings us to the first step of the Tao of getting | | | | A mistake most people make in a dating slump is that |
| out of a slump: | | | | they drop their standards, allowing for more and more |
| 1) Realize that slumps are normal. | | | | questionable fish to be allowed into their metaphorical |
| The Tao Te Ching, one of my favorite, reads: | | | | net. They think, "Well, just this once I'll slum it to get |
| "Do you want to improve the world? I don't think it can | | | | over this hump..." |
| be done. | | | | No. You need to stop that. Immediately. |
| The world is sacred. It can't be improved. If you tamper | | | | There is no better way to signal your desperation to |
| with it, you'll ruin it. If you treat it like an object, you'll lose | | | | the universe by saying, "Well, anything will do." Hell no it |
| it. | | | | won't! Stick to your guns. Be the picky buyer. |
| There is a time for being ahead, A time for being | | | | As Kahlil Gibran said in 'The Prophet': "Verily when |
| behind; A time for being in motion, A time for being at | | | | good is hungry it seeks food even in dark caves, and |
| rest; A time for being vigorous, A time for being | | | | when it thirsts, it drinks even of dead waters." So |
| exhausted; A time for being safe, A time for being in | | | | never compromise your values. |
| danger. | | | | Slumming it even once not only sends the wrong |
| The Master sees things as they are, Without trying to | | | | message, but can also land you in a big mess that you |
| control them. She lets them go their own way, And | | | | didn't see coming. |
| resides at the center of the circle." | | | | 6) Relax into what is. |
| Slumps happen all the time to everybody, regardless | | | | The Tao Te Ching says: |
| of skill, beauty or intelligence. This means you are not | | | | "A good traveler has no fixed plans And is not intent |
| necessarily a chump, klutz, goober, doofus, clod, oaf, | | | | upon arriving. A good artist lets his intuition Lead him |
| dork, dolt, or nincompoop. | | | | wherever it wants. A good scientist has freed himself |
| So quit beating on yourself already. The essence of | | | | of concepts And keeps his mind open to what is." |
| Taoist thought is accepting the world as it is. As it turns | | | | Once you've done the five steps above, you should |
| out, the world has dealt you a series of consecutive | | | | be ready to roll again. Keep the lessons you learned |
| bad hands. Oh well. The good news is, when you hit | | | | from the slump and remain detached from your |
| rock bottom, the only way left to go is up! So take a | | | | outcome while centering yourself in your power. Have |
| deep breath and ride it out as you go to Step 2. | | | | the humility to go back to the old lessons that got you |
| 2) Release completely. | | | | where you are and continue to engage in 'te', or right |
| What a lot of people do when they hit a slump is they | | | | action. |
| start to flounder even harder. "Wait, if I keep on doing | | | | Things are about to get a lot better, I assure you. And |
| the same thing that hasn't been working, maybe it'll | | | | when you do feel the power surge back on, go out |
| work this time! Maybe if I go to this party, I'll meet my | | | | there and make things happen. I'd like to leave you with |
| dream companion! Maybe if I keep banging my head | | | | another Tao Te Ching quote, which summarizes nicely |
| against this wall, it will come down!" | | | | the article: |
| Yo -- relax already. Step back and take stock. And | | | | "Express yourself completely, Then keep quiet. Be like |
| release *completely*. This means stopping the struggle. | | | | the forces of nature: When it blows, there is only wind; |
| Let go completely of whatever result you were | | | | When it rains, there is only rain; When the clouds pass, |
| attached to getting. | | | | the sun shines through. |
| In the dating arena, this would look like this: If you go to | | | | If you open yourself to the Tao, You are at one with |
| a party, you don't worry whether you meet anyone or | | | | the Tao And you can embody it completely. If you |
| not, whether you take or give any phone numbers, | | | | open yourself to insight, Aou are at one with insight |
| whether anything happens at all to move your dating | | | | And you can use it completely. If you open yourself to |
| along. You could just as easily stay home. Which | | | | loss, You are at one with loss And you can accept it |
| brings us to... | | | | completely. |
| 3) Retreat! | | | | Open yourself to the Tao, Then trust your natural |
| What's been happening is that you're going out there | | | | responses; And everything will fall into place. |