| One aspect of my spiritual growth occurred in an | | | | close to the edge. I think I understand what it is to be |
| unlikely place. Not everyone has a dramatic or | | | | on the brink of insanity--that place where we can't |
| traumatic event, but many of us experience a negative | | | | cope with reality so we escape into some other place |
| occurrence that forces us to reevaluate our lives and | | | | in our minds. Fortunately, I was not alone. |
| recommit to a spiritual path. Mine was a conviction and | | | | I was processed, which meant completing the |
| night in jail. | | | | paperwork in order to go into the jail itself. More |
| April 1993 was the date of my final court appearance. | | | | fingerprints and pictures were taken. Then we had to |
| The specifics are less important than the experience | | | | walk down to get our jail clothes. The idea of giving up |
| itself. A plea bargaining had been worked out with the | | | | my clothes and putting on the jail outfit was pretty |
| final details to be decided in court. My attorney | | | | upsetting. For the first time in my life I felt violated as |
| suggested that I cry to show how really sorry I was. | | | | the male guard asked me if I wanted a bra or T shirt |
| My reaction to this suggestion could cover an entire | | | | and what size panties I wore. It was not at all the |
| book about how women are "supposed" to act. I had | | | | horror stories I have seen on TV, but at that particular |
| already experienced a scene in court the previous | | | | moment, it was as awful. I'll never forget that feeling. I |
| year where my cool exterior, which worked well in | | | | realized I had no say or recourse in the matter. That |
| business, was hurting me in court. Men and women are | | | | was the scary part. |
| not treated the same in court. As I learned later when I | | | | Once dressed in my blue top and pants, white T shirt, |
| did some volunteer work at the women's prison in | | | | white socks and slip-on rubber shoes, I was told to |
| New Mexico, women are not expected to do wrong, | | | | wait in another cell before going to the jail. I might have |
| and are judged and sentenced more harshly when | | | | started to calm down, but the guard looked at my |
| they do. | | | | sheet and saw that I was in for one day. He told me |
| Despite the philosophical debate, I was too sick and | | | | that one day meant 24 hours from the time I entered |
| emotionally upset that day to try to pretend anything. I | | | | the jail, meaning I would be in jail all the next day and |
| didn't have to try to cry in court; I couldn't stop myself. I | | | | into the next evening. I panicked inside. What could I do |
| had plea bargained to a third degree felony for which | | | | if they tried to keep me, if I had to stay, if the judge |
| there could have been a sentence of 4-6 years in jail, | | | | had misspoken when he said I would be let out the |
| but it was waived. The 200 hours of community | | | | next morning--what could I do? Any strength I had left |
| service was the easiest part of the sentence. I had | | | | drained away. The guard said he would check this out |
| already been doing volunteer work at the women's | | | | for me, but never did. I asked a second guard about |
| prison in New Mexico and I intended to continue. The | | | | the time frame. He reinforced what the first guard said. |
| repayment of the money on a monthly basis was | | | | Later, before we were sent to our assigned rooms, I |
| what I had been offering to do since the beginning. | | | | was informed that I would be released early the next |
| What was too overwhelming was the fact that, | | | | morning. I was relieved but still apprehensive. We |
| despite everything, despite the fact that I had not | | | | carried our blankets, towels, toothbrushes and toilet |
| committed a crime, I was being convicted of a felony. | | | | paper in a bed roll. My cell was on the second floor. I |
| This wasn't a misdemeanor, the lesser charge. This | | | | had to go back downstairs to get a mattress and |
| was a felony. A convicted felon. I couldn't come to | | | | pillow. |
| grips with that reality. But reality it was and when the | | | | I remember little of the other women except my |
| judge pronounced the final part of the sentence, that I | | | | roommate. She had been sentenced to a year for |
| was to spend the night in jail - I died inside. | | | | drunken driving. Even though this was not her first |
| A night in jail. That is what the judge said. If anyone | | | | offense, the sentence was extreme. She had agreed |
| thinks this was an adventure, fun, exciting, or any other | | | | to a plea bargaining, then went to court only to find |
| positive description, think again. Even when the judge | | | | that the district attorney had changed his mind and she |
| said it would only be one night, my heart sank. I was | | | | was sentenced to a year. She didn't even have time |
| stunned. I realized that the outcome of my sentencing | | | | to go home to get her affairs in order. She had a |
| could have been much worse. But with the | | | | drinking problem, but had received no counseling and |
| circumstances of the case, I didn't expect anything | | | | had been depressed for three months. She wasn't |
| other than probation. My attorney kept assuring me | | | | bitter; she accepted her responsibility, but was angry at |
| how lucky I was, but I was not to be consoled. I was | | | | the lack of help. We talked quite a while. It helped her. It |
| physically ill and had been for 3 days. I was exhausted | | | | helped me. In playing listener and counselor, I could stay |
| from the emotional strain. I just wanted it to be over. | | | | out of my own pain. |
| The only saving grace was that, in the sentencing, the | | | | In the small cell that I shared with her, I was on the top |
| judge said, "This was not a criminal case; it was a civil | | | | bunk which was almost too high for me to reach. A |
| case." That one sentence confirmed what I knew, but | | | | vent was blowing on me but I was too sick and |
| at that point I needed validation. If I had listened to my | | | | miserable to move the pillow to the other end of the |
| own instincts, I would have gone before the judge with | | | | bunk. The noise kept me awake, but I couldn't sleep |
| the case and I would probably have won. | | | | anyway. |
| I felt betrayed. I felt sick. I felt alone and I felt awful. A | | | | Lights went on at 6 a.m. I had to wait until they called |
| guard motioned me through a locked door to the | | | | me. I wanted to be ready, so I sat on the edge of the |
| elevator leading into a tunnel connecting the court to | | | | bunk for the longest time, too paralyzed to move. |
| the jail. I realized that I was functioning as if this were a | | | | Finally I jumped down. |
| dream. The guard made me turn around to be | | | | I took my mattress and spread it out on the floor, laid |
| handcuffed. I was numb. I'm sure I looked normal and | | | | down and cried. I had this unfounded fear that I |
| maybe even sounded normal as I joked with the guard | | | | wouldn't get out. When would they call? My cellmate |
| about the metal gate separating us in the elevator. But | | | | told me that this was her birthday. That only made me |
| I was not normal. I experienced something I had never | | | | feel worse. How could one endure a birthday in a |
| felt before. I felt disjointed, a sense of being outside of | | | | place like this? She had 9 months to go on her |
| myself. I was two people. The outward me looked and | | | | sentence, the thought was too overwhelming. |
| talked fine, but the real me wasn't really there. I was | | | | At 8:00 am, they finally called my name. I was taken |
| somewhere else since it was too awful to be where | | | | back to the processing place and after changing back |
| my body was. | | | | to my own clothes, I walked out, got in the car, and |
| The situation progressed with the same sense of | | | | drove home. |
| illusion. I was too sick and too tired to be sensible. I sat | | | | A night in jail. Years later, I better understand the |
| in a cell waiting to be processed for six hours. Thank | | | | impact of this experience on my spiritual journey. |
| goodness for the other woman in the cell who was | | | | Negative events can prove to have positive outcomes. |
| also waiting. If I had been alone, I might not have been | | | | As with most of us, one event is only a part of the |
| able to handle the situation. I felt as if I were really | | | | spiritual story. The rest continues to be written. |